We did not get any snow today.
This might seem largely inconsequential, but today is yet another day that I have not seen snow. Granted, snow is not one of those universal experiences and I live in a place where snow is a statistical improbability. But between the forecast of snowfall over the past week and promising early reports from yesterday gave me hope that today would be the day. It was only bolstered by being woken by reports and video of snowfall not even an hour away from me, and there was even a minute where the rain looked unlike anything I had seen before. But alas, the skies are clearing, the mercury is rising, and once again, I have been denied that simple pleasure of experiencing snow.
It started back in university a short lifetime ago. There are photos of the campus grounds being completely white for the period of a winter afternoon. It’s also an afternoon where I sat for a four-hour exam. I don’t even remember the content of said exam, only that I had missed snow because of it. And it was a basement venue so I didn’t even see it.
I’d arrived at places a day after all the snow thawed out. I’ve flown out of New York hours before a blizzard. I had a flight delayed because of unexpected snowfall at the destination, and it was all gone by the time I’d arrived hours later. I’m pretty sure that if I were to schedule a trip to Antarctica, the CO2 of the flight there would be the straw to trigger a global warming failure cascade, and we would land on the lost continent under the ice.
Knowing my luck, it may never happen. Life moves on. (Or it drives me into a conspiracy tailspin where I start trying to prove that snow isn’t real and it turns out to be the most financially lucrative thing I’ve ever done.)
There’s nothing to this at all. It is largely unremarkable in the grand scheme of things. Life doesn’t owe me snow. No grand injustice will be resolved, nor will the presence of snow improve my situation in any material way. But the way snowfall eludes me is really starting to piss me off. Today, a lot more than any other time.
It’s a matter of agency. There are times where I missed out on snow because life happened. There are times I’d made conscious decisions, partly because it would put me in a place and time where I would likely see snow.
I want to ask the universe, what do I have to do to get this one thing I want? And a little voice in my head says that there’s nothing I can do. It’s simply impossible. And it’s not just talking about the snow.
I’m not in a good place mentally. I don’t think a lot of people are. In the grand scheme of things, I’m probably luckier than most other people and have nothing to complain about. Doesn’t change the fact that it feels like there are no real options. No meaningful direction to take for… anything really. Maybe I could grasp at the last straws all around me and arrange them into the general shape of an actionable plan. Stop feeling sorry for myself, put my head down, power through, and make something that works.
But I don’t feel like it anymore.
People look at me like I’m insane when I say that.
When I say I don’t really want to do anything.
That I don’t want to work for the opportunity to do harder work that might just get me to the point of earning a respectable living again.
From where I stand, it didn’t really matter the last time I did the same. Got good grades, got into college, got the degree, the big tech corporate job, been there for the family, been the team player, been generous, been smart, been ethical, been ambitious, been honest, paid dues, showed loyalty… Everyone else I know who went that route are in the same boat.
Because it turned out that the recipe for success is the opposite. Needed to be ruthless. And avoid accountability at all costs. And exploit every relationship and gaslight people that relied on me by undermining their efforts. Live off debt, put everything on some meme stock or crypto to 1000x it overnight. And break as many things as you can so you can sell the same thing back as innovation. And talk out your ass. Say what people want to hear, because who actually cares about the facts?
So what was all that other stuff for? The people I worked for made a ton of money. I’m literally poorer today than any other point of my life. After 15 years of practically killing myself. And for the last few months, all I can think about is how it was impossible to give me anything more than I “earned.” About how I should be ashamed for even asking. About how everyone has it just as bad and I don’t have real problems.
I know that life is unfair. I know the world doesn’t owe me anything.
But is it wrong to ask for at least one thing I want to just fall out from the sky? Even if it’s just a bit of snow.